Hmm, I was staying up late tonight for various reasons, and then it started getting really late, and I decided something... Instead of going to bed, in two hours when the sun is about to come up, I'm going to get changed back out of my pyjamas again, into some warm clothes. I'm going to go and make myself a flask of tea, bring a bag with my mp3 player, camera and diary, and go up to watch the sun rise on the downs.
I don't have anyone to go with but that might be the beauty of it. I plan on continuing with my Daft Punk session and particularly I want to listen to Voyager.
Only a couple of hours more... Anyway, its Saturday tomorrow. Saturday is nothing or anything day, Sunday is work day.
I will update you on how this latest stupid idea goes later. Expect "for god's sake, why am I always having these stupid ideas", or something along those lines!
Saturday 29 November 2008
Thursday 27 November 2008
Luvina
Here's something I did for my Spanish seminar. After reading a short story by magical realist Juan Rulfo, we had to do a drawing, collage, poem, song - whatever we wanted, to represent his mystical land, Luvina. Luvina is supposed to be a sad, dreary, barren place where there is always a cold wind blowing. This was the best I could come up with in a short space of time:
I know, its pretty crappy. It does look a bit better in real life where you don't noticed the rumpled paper so much, but it's still pretty crappy. Oh well. The writing is a quote from the story. It roughly translates as:
"You asked me how long I spent in Luvina, true...?"
"...The truth is, I don't know"
I know, its pretty crappy. It does look a bit better in real life where you don't noticed the rumpled paper so much, but it's still pretty crappy. Oh well. The writing is a quote from the story. It roughly translates as:
"You asked me how long I spent in Luvina, true...?"
"...The truth is, I don't know"
Monday 24 November 2008
Exponential insanity
Hhmph. Lets get the "what's been happening in real life" stuff out of the way before we get on to the real philosophical stuff, shall we?
Well, I'm no longer ill at least. I quarantined myself at my lovely grandparents' house where I was looked after, forced to relax and rest, and fed lots of wholesome, tasty food. I rediscovered television, which was nice in a way, but which also reminded me Christmas is coming, which is a slight worry.
As a kid I always vowed to myself I'd never not look forward to Christmas. I mean, come on Rebekah, Christmas is still awesome, just because you're desperately poor and still have to buy nice thoughtful presents for everyone, doesn't mean you shouldn't look forward to it! Okay, Christmas IS awesome, I know, I'll never become a Christmas-hater and lose my inner child forever.
Okay, now I got that inner struggle out of the way and we've established that yes, Christmas is still something to look forward to. Anyway, even if Christmas itself isn't, the break is! No more soul-destroying anthropology, no more assignment deadlines, just a whole month of beautiful non responsibility. (Apart from the whole must-find-a-job-NOW thing)
Now, real life out of the way, just out of boredom, lets delve into my mind. Imagine yourself in a desert - not a hot or cold desert, just a room-temperature desert, but a barren one which seems to stretch out to infinity, and it's night, it's dark. Now you've been walking in this dark but comfortable desert for an indefinite time, you're not even sure how long you've been here. While walking you suddenly realise you've approached a deep chasm in front of you, a break in the terrain that seems to fall away forever. You peer down and it's not frightening but beautiful, there seems to be beautiful light drawing you towards it, and you fall effortlessly inside. You fall slowly, gently tumbling like Alice in Wonderland through the rabbit hole. There are beautiful, soft lights revolving around you and you feel perfectly comfortable in this endless fall, though you don't know the destination.
You realise that although it's not painful or frightening, you're completely alone. All you can do is think, contemplate, and wonder - about anything, everything that crosses your mind. Will I ever have a place in life? Will I ever "settle down" into a comfortable situation in life, do I even want to? Is there any real purpose or objective to life, does it have any meaning? Am I stuck inside my own mind?
I'm starting to realise I'm on this journey alone. The more I realise I'm alone the more I think and think and think. There are too many questions I'm asking myself. And the worst thing is that I know that generations of philosophers have probably asked the same questions and not found anything satisfying answers.
My entire life so far has just been me slowing becoming more and more insane as I contemplate existence. I try and root my thoughts in real things which need doing, but unless I'm completely distracted, I just float back into this wormhole of thought and frustration. I'm trying to express it here, but its so difficult. I've already written and then deleted at least three whole paragraphs worth of writing, nothing seems to sum up what I'm thinking.
And that's just what I'm thinking. I haven't even mentioned how I'm feeling. If I did, we'd be here even longer, as I don't have any trouble expressing that. But this is a public blog.
Sorry for the rambling. I wish I were an amazing artist that could express it all visually, or even better, an amazing musician that could just let out everything in one fantastic and inspiring song. But alas, all I can do is write a load of bollocks.
Well, I'm no longer ill at least. I quarantined myself at my lovely grandparents' house where I was looked after, forced to relax and rest, and fed lots of wholesome, tasty food. I rediscovered television, which was nice in a way, but which also reminded me Christmas is coming, which is a slight worry.
As a kid I always vowed to myself I'd never not look forward to Christmas. I mean, come on Rebekah, Christmas is still awesome, just because you're desperately poor and still have to buy nice thoughtful presents for everyone, doesn't mean you shouldn't look forward to it! Okay, Christmas IS awesome, I know, I'll never become a Christmas-hater and lose my inner child forever.
Okay, now I got that inner struggle out of the way and we've established that yes, Christmas is still something to look forward to. Anyway, even if Christmas itself isn't, the break is! No more soul-destroying anthropology, no more assignment deadlines, just a whole month of beautiful non responsibility. (Apart from the whole must-find-a-job-NOW thing)
Now, real life out of the way, just out of boredom, lets delve into my mind. Imagine yourself in a desert - not a hot or cold desert, just a room-temperature desert, but a barren one which seems to stretch out to infinity, and it's night, it's dark. Now you've been walking in this dark but comfortable desert for an indefinite time, you're not even sure how long you've been here. While walking you suddenly realise you've approached a deep chasm in front of you, a break in the terrain that seems to fall away forever. You peer down and it's not frightening but beautiful, there seems to be beautiful light drawing you towards it, and you fall effortlessly inside. You fall slowly, gently tumbling like Alice in Wonderland through the rabbit hole. There are beautiful, soft lights revolving around you and you feel perfectly comfortable in this endless fall, though you don't know the destination.
You realise that although it's not painful or frightening, you're completely alone. All you can do is think, contemplate, and wonder - about anything, everything that crosses your mind. Will I ever have a place in life? Will I ever "settle down" into a comfortable situation in life, do I even want to? Is there any real purpose or objective to life, does it have any meaning? Am I stuck inside my own mind?
I'm starting to realise I'm on this journey alone. The more I realise I'm alone the more I think and think and think. There are too many questions I'm asking myself. And the worst thing is that I know that generations of philosophers have probably asked the same questions and not found anything satisfying answers.
My entire life so far has just been me slowing becoming more and more insane as I contemplate existence. I try and root my thoughts in real things which need doing, but unless I'm completely distracted, I just float back into this wormhole of thought and frustration. I'm trying to express it here, but its so difficult. I've already written and then deleted at least three whole paragraphs worth of writing, nothing seems to sum up what I'm thinking.
And that's just what I'm thinking. I haven't even mentioned how I'm feeling. If I did, we'd be here even longer, as I don't have any trouble expressing that. But this is a public blog.
Sorry for the rambling. I wish I were an amazing artist that could express it all visually, or even better, an amazing musician that could just let out everything in one fantastic and inspiring song. But alas, all I can do is write a load of bollocks.
Sunday 16 November 2008
:-(
I feel absolutely terrible.
According to the fountain of all knowledge and truth, "Despite its unpleasantness, pain is an important part of the existence of humans and other animals...It promotes learning so that repetition of the painful situation will be less likely."
Right... okay... well, that's that. I've learnt my lesson. Next time, I'll remember not to get ill. How stupid of me.
Uuurgh... :-(
According to the fountain of all knowledge and truth, "Despite its unpleasantness, pain is an important part of the existence of humans and other animals...It promotes learning so that repetition of the painful situation will be less likely."
Right... okay... well, that's that. I've learnt my lesson. Next time, I'll remember not to get ill. How stupid of me.
Uuurgh... :-(
Tuesday 11 November 2008
Another projection from a small part of my mind
I'd like to thank both Daft Punk and National Rail (the actual National Rail, not a made-up obscure band named after it, although it does sound like a band, doesn't it?) for assisting me in this particular piece of weirness. Oh, and it looks better in real life. Though not any more useful or any less pointless.
Sunday 9 November 2008
This is (just one of the reasons) why I love Brighton
Hey hey,
Had a bit of a mad weekend as usual - far too much to drink on Friday night and also had Eilidh the wee scot (as she is now officially titled) to visit. Went into Brighton to drop her off at the station today, and thought I'd bring my camera out with me - something I've been meaning to do more often. I'm no photographer but after taking pictures nonstop of everything and anything interesting for two months in Alaska this summer, I've started to see all sorts of funny little things in life that I'd like to have a picture memory of - so I'm vowing to try and keep my camera with me at all times from now on.
It was such a cold and dismal autumn day, and after dropping Eilidh off at the train station I was all alone, but somehow Brighton lent me its cheer and I had a nice hour or so just enjoying the Brighton atmosphere.
As I walked down from the station, shivering with my hands in my pockets, I began to hear drums. You never know where they're coming from in a busy street like that - the beat seems to reverberate off of every building so that you can never quite follow the direction of the sound. Walking further, it turned into a song (something by The Beatles) and I discovered the source; a quirky little band playing Beatles and other old 60s covers.
Had a bit of a mad weekend as usual - far too much to drink on Friday night and also had Eilidh the wee scot (as she is now officially titled) to visit. Went into Brighton to drop her off at the station today, and thought I'd bring my camera out with me - something I've been meaning to do more often. I'm no photographer but after taking pictures nonstop of everything and anything interesting for two months in Alaska this summer, I've started to see all sorts of funny little things in life that I'd like to have a picture memory of - so I'm vowing to try and keep my camera with me at all times from now on.
It was such a cold and dismal autumn day, and after dropping Eilidh off at the train station I was all alone, but somehow Brighton lent me its cheer and I had a nice hour or so just enjoying the Brighton atmosphere.
As I walked down from the station, shivering with my hands in my pockets, I began to hear drums. You never know where they're coming from in a busy street like that - the beat seems to reverberate off of every building so that you can never quite follow the direction of the sound. Walking further, it turned into a song (something by The Beatles) and I discovered the source; a quirky little band playing Beatles and other old 60s covers.
Opposite the band, on the other side of the pedestrianised road, there stood a tantalis ingly tasty-smelling hot chesnut stall, and beside that, Choccywoccydoodah. I really love the feel of Brighton on a day like that - everyone is cold but they still stop to eat hot food and listen to some music.
I honestly can't believe some of the chocolatey creations they come up with in Choccywoccydoodah. Those guys are artists.
Oh, and by the way, if anyone wants to know what to get me for Christmas, I'd like the entire contents of Choccywoccydoodah, please. (It's not too extravagant to ask for, they only charge about £3000 for some of their larger sculptures!)
On my way back through campus I took this picture, just for the colours:
Now that's just me trying to see the good side of autumn, while combatting S.A.D and rushing home in the freezing cold at four o' clock - to get back before it gets dark at four thirty!
Friday 7 November 2008
So...
Elections and shit. Nice.
You know what? I was going to talk about the election but since it indirectly lead to a large amount of sleep deprivation which I'm only just catching up with, I feel I've already devoted enough energy toward it. Besides, this isn't a political blog - there are enough of those already! Lewes bonfire night was pretty awesome, even if I was only running on Snickers bars and caffeine at the time.
After a few days of irregular sleep and overdue a bath, I felt disgusting this morning. I had to go out to another of these psychological experiments I've signed up for with the psych lab - you get paid for them and they generally involve eating, which is always good. But this one is a breakfast study, breakfast means morning, morning means "mmmmmeeeerrrrrgh".
So I kinda got out of bed in a zombie-like state, put my clothes on over my pyjam
as so it would be extra easy for me to just get straight back in bed after returning. My hair looked something like this:
So I just crammed it all into a hat. I didn't have any clean trousers so I just took a baggy old pair out of the wash, even though they had all sorts of crumbs over them.
At this point I could probably pass pretty well as a tramp. It was fine on the way there because I didn't see anyone I knew, and at the lab itself they treat you like lab rats so if you look like one it just improves your role. On the way back I did see a couple of people I knew, which meant I had temporarily had to pretend not to exist.
I got back, got another 3 hours of beauty sleep, had a bath, and now I'm fine :-) I've decided the vagabond lifestyle, look, and fragrance is not for me. Now I better get ready to go out and pick up Eilidh the wee scot for a night of vodka and fun.
Otherwise, not feeling very creative at this precise moment, but expect something soon :-) (I'm reading Kafka's The Metamorphosis as well as a philosophical book about Lost and Terry Pratchett's new novel too - a step back into reading always fuels my creativity.
I'm already seeing the effect that reading The Metamorphosis is having on my brain - last night I dreamt I had a baby and it started running around and crawling up the walls and ceiling like the Exorcist child. Damn you, Kafka.
Hasta la vista x x
Elections and shit. Nice.
You know what? I was going to talk about the election but since it indirectly lead to a large amount of sleep deprivation which I'm only just catching up with, I feel I've already devoted enough energy toward it. Besides, this isn't a political blog - there are enough of those already! Lewes bonfire night was pretty awesome, even if I was only running on Snickers bars and caffeine at the time.
After a few days of irregular sleep and overdue a bath, I felt disgusting this morning. I had to go out to another of these psychological experiments I've signed up for with the psych lab - you get paid for them and they generally involve eating, which is always good. But this one is a breakfast study, breakfast means morning, morning means "mmmmmeeeerrrrrgh".
So I kinda got out of bed in a zombie-like state, put my clothes on over my pyjam
as so it would be extra easy for me to just get straight back in bed after returning. My hair looked something like this:So I just crammed it all into a hat. I didn't have any clean trousers so I just took a baggy old pair out of the wash, even though they had all sorts of crumbs over them.
At this point I could probably pass pretty well as a tramp. It was fine on the way there because I didn't see anyone I knew, and at the lab itself they treat you like lab rats so if you look like one it just improves your role. On the way back I did see a couple of people I knew, which meant I had temporarily had to pretend not to exist.
I got back, got another 3 hours of beauty sleep, had a bath, and now I'm fine :-) I've decided the vagabond lifestyle, look, and fragrance is not for me. Now I better get ready to go out and pick up Eilidh the wee scot for a night of vodka and fun.
Otherwise, not feeling very creative at this precise moment, but expect something soon :-) (I'm reading Kafka's The Metamorphosis as well as a philosophical book about Lost and Terry Pratchett's new novel too - a step back into reading always fuels my creativity.
I'm already seeing the effect that reading The Metamorphosis is having on my brain - last night I dreamt I had a baby and it started running around and crawling up the walls and ceiling like the Exorcist child. Damn you, Kafka.
Hasta la vista x x
Tuesday 4 November 2008
Who knows...
This is what happens when you stay up til 4am, can't get to sleep, and for some reason unknown, decide to be creative.
Then when you wake up you think "I'm sure it had some real significance when I did it!" but can't fathom what the hell it is now.
That never happens to you?
Ah, just me then...
Then when you wake up you think "I'm sure it had some real significance when I did it!" but can't fathom what the hell it is now.
That never happens to you?
Ah, just me then...
Sunday 2 November 2008
Reflections
This time of my life doesn't even feel real. Coming to university has completely separated me from my previous life, and I'm not even sure of my own identity.
There are some great things happening right now. I've made some good friendships, I have more to do than ever and boredom does not rear its ugly head nearly as much as before. I'm living my own, independent life; I can do what I want to do, whenever I want to do it. I'm starting to discover new music again, something I've not been doing for a year or so.
I feel like I completely wasted my year as a seventeen-year-old, as I wasn't close to my friends and did nothing new, I just studied and drifted through life rather boringly. But when I turned 18, life started up its motors again, I worked harder than ever for my exams, I went on a long ass holiday to Alaska, I came back and actually spent time with my friends, cramming in all the fun I'd avoided for the previous year, I went on a short ass holiday to Spain, I prepared for university.
Now I'm here and the hectic life is continuing. Some things are still on the negative side of the scale though - I'm completely broke and struggling to find a job, but even as I'm applying for these countless jobs, I know that once I start working, unless it's something really fresh, I'll hate it. The chances are I'll be forced to work far too many hours and I'll end up with that same "life is pointless" apathy that working at the same time as studying has lumped me with before.
There are a couple of friends from back home that I really miss. Right now I have a couple of close friends here at Sussex, and a lot of lovely housemates and neighbours that I get on with very well, but I don't really have an "inner circle" group of friends as before. Ironically, when I did have a group of friends like that, I didn't appreciate them enough, I spent the last 2 years distancing myself from my friends and secretly thinking they weren't making an effort to help me, but in reality it was my fault for not talking with them more.
I've always been a person that is very self reflective, always analysing myself and my relationships with others. Maybe it's vanity, maybe it's just that I like to think about things. But thinking about my attitude towards friendship - I'm beginning to think that maybe I just don't want to reach out to hundreds of people for friendship and constantly forge new alliances. Maybe I just want a few close friends, maybe I prefer it that way.
I can see this blog becoming boring to others very quickly - but that doesn't matter. Having an online blog as opposed to a diary helps me motivate myself to write more often, and in the future, I will be grateful I recorded these things - I'm already glad I wrote about my time in Alaska!
I will post pictures at some point too.
Until next time, adios!
There are some great things happening right now. I've made some good friendships, I have more to do than ever and boredom does not rear its ugly head nearly as much as before. I'm living my own, independent life; I can do what I want to do, whenever I want to do it. I'm starting to discover new music again, something I've not been doing for a year or so.
I feel like I completely wasted my year as a seventeen-year-old, as I wasn't close to my friends and did nothing new, I just studied and drifted through life rather boringly. But when I turned 18, life started up its motors again, I worked harder than ever for my exams, I went on a long ass holiday to Alaska, I came back and actually spent time with my friends, cramming in all the fun I'd avoided for the previous year, I went on a short ass holiday to Spain, I prepared for university.
Now I'm here and the hectic life is continuing. Some things are still on the negative side of the scale though - I'm completely broke and struggling to find a job, but even as I'm applying for these countless jobs, I know that once I start working, unless it's something really fresh, I'll hate it. The chances are I'll be forced to work far too many hours and I'll end up with that same "life is pointless" apathy that working at the same time as studying has lumped me with before.
There are a couple of friends from back home that I really miss. Right now I have a couple of close friends here at Sussex, and a lot of lovely housemates and neighbours that I get on with very well, but I don't really have an "inner circle" group of friends as before. Ironically, when I did have a group of friends like that, I didn't appreciate them enough, I spent the last 2 years distancing myself from my friends and secretly thinking they weren't making an effort to help me, but in reality it was my fault for not talking with them more.
I've always been a person that is very self reflective, always analysing myself and my relationships with others. Maybe it's vanity, maybe it's just that I like to think about things. But thinking about my attitude towards friendship - I'm beginning to think that maybe I just don't want to reach out to hundreds of people for friendship and constantly forge new alliances. Maybe I just want a few close friends, maybe I prefer it that way.
I can see this blog becoming boring to others very quickly - but that doesn't matter. Having an online blog as opposed to a diary helps me motivate myself to write more often, and in the future, I will be grateful I recorded these things - I'm already glad I wrote about my time in Alaska!
I will post pictures at some point too.
Until next time, adios!
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