Tell me, how can I be free?

When you write these blogs, you get a little "title" box to fill in above the main post - I never fill it in 'til after I've finished writing the post, because I never know what I'm going to end up writing about. I wonder what it will be today.

Well, I just got back from a talk arranged by a guy who's starting up a journalism society here, he got a Guardian journalist named Nick Davies in for a very, very interesting talk on corruption in the media, particularly newspapers. I won't go into detail because I wouldn't be able to do justice to the guy, but I will say that after listening to him talk, I definitely want to read his book. And perhaps consider a career in journalism, out of a vain desire to promote "the truth" and change the world a little. (Ha. Like I'm ever going to be motivated and efficient enough... Sigh.)

So that was the latest little thing I've tried as part of my vague effort to "do" things and experience life and uni, instead of just drifting through these important years of my life stuck in my own little world within my mind. I thought, it won't be forever that I'll have the opportunity to go and listen to these interesting speakers from around the country and world, so maybe I should start going to more of these public talks. There was only about 20 people attending, so plenty of space and time to ask questions and get inspired.

I'm waiting to hear back from URF, our student radio station, about getting a slot for a Saturday show. So hopefully in the next few weeks I'll be on air. This may or may not lead to fail, but it won't be an epic fail, because no-one really listens to the student radio anyway, especially not on Saturdays. But it's something fun to do, right?

I guess I should be working on my Philsophy essay right now, but it's quite hard and boring, and I haven't updated this blog for a while. Also, I started feeling a bit... meh... so I thought "quick, quick, do something, anything, before you get sucked into the big black wormhole of suckiness and then nothing gets done for a whole week!" So writing this blog is temporarily postponing a fight with my own head :-) Ah, the joys of being insane.

Some people punch a pillow, get drunk, or have a lengthy chat with Dr. Quack, I just write on my blog. Yeah, it is public, but I've always been an attention seeking drama queen, what's wrong with the world having access to some of my craziness? If you ever have a shortage of madness, you know where to come.

Am I being a boring person at the moment? I want to be one of those people who make the lives of everyone around them more exciting, but its not quite happening that much at the moment. I can be like that, but I don't get the opportunity much when I'm poor, stuck indoors, and bogged down with essays and assignments. I want to do something crazy and fun! I want to be unleashed from my cage!

How can I do this? I feel like I have to get out of the country to be free - but I'm poor so I can't. How can I be free? How can I get more from life... without giving all my money to The Man?

There are all sorts of little things I sometimes wish I could do, things that make me happy, small release. Swimming (even though I'm not a good swimmer), dancing on a sandy beach, watching the sun rise, riding my bike along the seafront and feeling the wind in my hair, dancing anywhere, doing a handstand, going on a rollercoaster, listening to music while doing all these things...

Well, it's nearly the end of winter anyway - good thing too.

I need to do amazing things, I swear it, I have to. I want to go round the world and flash everyone a smile - that way, even if I don't change anything, at least a good few people will have seen one extra smile in their lifetime.

All sorts of things...

So, I've been totally on the oppposite end of the depressive spectrum today, thankfully - been totally wired and inspired all day. I achieved a reasonable amount. None of the stuff I SHOULD be achieving (such as getting a job or studying) but eh, that stuff is boring. I've been bouncing around to my music all day and spring cleaned and tidied my entire room, even though I originally set out to just sort out my desk drawers, I had a great dinner out of hardly any ingredients (getting to the poverty line right now) and I made up my mind to actually try and do things with my life.

That decision came from finding this old book that all my teachers and friends signed at the end of school and sixth form..Some people wrote all sorts of nice things about how far they thought I'd go in life. And I thought, everyone used to have such high expectations for me, and recently I've lost a lot of my sense of aspiration.

I don't think I should throw all that away. I should try and be the best I can be. That means I have to take some risks and forget my temporary lack of confidence. I should get out and do something. Which is why I've decided to... well, thats part of my sneaky plan. I won't reveal what it is until I'm a little more convinced it won't fail miserably ;-) So don't give it away, people I've told. (Means you, Sophie and Emma.) Anyways, I'm determined to do at least something creative with my life. I just need to find my place, and I may as well start now while its not too late.

Also I've been a bit slack with my "more photos" objective. Here's a photo of yours truly... after a long explanation :P

In my sudden rush of creativity and inspiration, not only did I have a nice idea for a novel which I will probably never write, but I also had this dumb idea for a piece of art, (and I wouldn't take the word "art" too seriously here), which I started drawing, and then remembered that I'm too rubbish at drawing to do justice to it. I mean, it did look pretty good in my head. I wont bother explaining my exact imagination but it had a woman in it, and I'm so terrible at drawing anything real, like people. I'm better at abstract doodles. (Lame, I know). If I said the photo was going to be a levitating (possibly fairy) lady DJ in space playing on invisible floating decks, that is a sillier sounding image of what I had in mind. If I could transpose the image in my head into reality it would have looked so cool, I swear.

Anyway, I thought, maybe I could get lots of pictures off the internet and form the picture from a collage of photos instead. Then I realised it would look crap. Then I thought, what I really need is someone to pose the way I'm imagining, then I can try and draw it and copy it. Then I thought, maybe it would be better as a photo anyway, or maybe a combination of more than one photo and some other effects to get what I was aiming for. Then I realised I didn't have a model so it was all imaginary. Then for a while I thought, I would be the ideal model because I know exactly what I've got in mind. Then I realised I didn't have a photographer. Then I thought, oh damn I have a crap camera and no photography skills. Then I thought "sod it" and ended up photographing myself and thus ending up feeling very vain.

I realised, even though one of my favourite photographers may be totally awesome at self portrait, I am useless at all kinds of photography plus I just look silly. (Person I'm referring to: Icelandic lady named Rebekka Guðleifsdóttir: link to some of her stuff )

I ended up giving up on my original idea. It was too hard. Oh well. Grumps.


Goodnight,

Bekah

Guitars picks and shoelaces

So... I've been pretty unproductive today.

Yesterday was awesme cause Lizzy came over to visit, from Chichester, and she is my second oldest friend. Our friendship was founded when we were 11, staying up late in our dorm room at a "gifted and talented" summer school at Rodean, blowing raspberries and making fart noises, and laughing our heads off all night - also featuring in a play about smugglers... I guess we've matured slightly, but not too much. I'd say we were on the gifted side of the "gifted and talented", gifted with insanity, that is.

Anyway, we spent the day in Brighton with Emma and ate exceedingly delicious fudge. Also, I bought a few guitar picks to replace the ones that got eaten by my dog at Christmas. I was looking for some funky shoelaces to jazz up some boring black trainers I've got but I didn't see any. This demonstrates my new low budget: last term, when I went into town I was buying guitars or clothes - this term I am buying guitar picks, and shoelaces...

Back to self-analysis. If I can't do it on my own blog, I can't do it anywhere. I think the reason I need friends like that is because I am something of an attention seeker. Not the show off kind, but I'm just the girl that talks all the time in seminars when everyone else is shy, I like praise and I'm one of those people who feels slightly hurt on receiving "constructive" criticism. I don't like being ignored.

I think that's why I've lost confidence recently. Back home, I was usually the centre of attention whenever I wanted to be. There are too many people here!

I'm also starting to think I'm just generally down at the moment. If I'm not upset about one thing, I'm upset about something else (although, with periods of normality and contentedness peppered inbetween). Now I've seen friends yesterday and had a good time, I should be happy. But now I'm moping about other stuff. The trouble with having these depressive episodes is that it messes with my mind, because now I don't know if things are genuinely bad or if they're just in my head. It makes me feel powerless. I feel like I can't talk about anything I'm getting upset about directly, because if IS just in my head, and it's not a real issue people will get fed up with me being insecure and think I'm all needy and over-sensitive. It's a circle of doubt and negativity and I'm stuck in my own head.

I even feel guilty about my long passages of self-reflection on here - but I guess I shouldn't this is my own blog, I'm allowed to talk about myself somewhere, right? Wht I really need is a pet to spew all my problems to! Preferably a hedgehog.

Thanks for the comments on my last post by the way, I found them really comforting and helpful. I guess I'm the kind of person that needs reassurance and a figurative shoulder to cry on sometimes.

Also, the kind of person that needs chocolate. I really, really, really, REALLY could do with a big fat bar of Galaxy or a Toblerone right now. Maybe some chocolate buttons and jaffa cakes too. But a) I can't afford those kind of luxuries and b) its 2am so the shop's closed even if I did magically find a couple of quid wedged down the back of my comfy chair/rattling around in my guitar/stuck to the ceiling. Ah, comfort food.

(Actually, talking of unrealistic desires - I do need a job at the moment, maybe I could become one of aristocratic Carolyn's fantasy house staff in exchange for Galaxy bars and Toblerone!)


I promise to make my next blog post lighthearted and happy,

Bekah