Reflections

This time of my life doesn't even feel real. Coming to university has completely separated me from my previous life, and I'm not even sure of my own identity.

There are some great things happening right now. I've made some good friendships, I have more to do than ever and boredom does not rear its ugly head nearly as much as before. I'm living my own, independent life; I can do what I want to do, whenever I want to do it. I'm starting to discover new music again, something I've not been doing for a year or so.

I feel like I completely wasted my year as a seventeen-year-old, as I wasn't close to my friends and did nothing new, I just studied and drifted through life rather boringly. But when I turned 18, life started up its motors again, I worked harder than ever for my exams, I went on a long ass holiday to Alaska, I came back and actually spent time with my friends, cramming in all the fun I'd avoided for the previous year, I went on a short ass holiday to Spain, I prepared for university.

Now I'm here and the hectic life is continuing. Some things are still on the negative side of the scale though - I'm completely broke and struggling to find a job, but even as I'm applying for these countless jobs, I know that once I start working, unless it's something really fresh, I'll hate it. The chances are I'll be forced to work far too many hours and I'll end up with that same "life is pointless" apathy that working at the same time as studying has lumped me with before.

There are a couple of friends from back home that I really miss. Right now I have a couple of close friends here at Sussex, and a lot of lovely housemates and neighbours that I get on with very well, but I don't really have an "inner circle" group of friends as before. Ironically, when I did have a group of friends like that, I didn't appreciate them enough, I spent the last 2 years distancing myself from my friends and secretly thinking they weren't making an effort to help me, but in reality it was my fault for not talking with them more.

I've always been a person that is very self reflective, always analysing myself and my relationships with others. Maybe it's vanity, maybe it's just that I like to think about things. But thinking about my attitude towards friendship - I'm beginning to think that maybe I just don't want to reach out to hundreds of people for friendship and constantly forge new alliances. Maybe I just want a few close friends, maybe I prefer it that way.

I can see this blog becoming boring to others very quickly - but that doesn't matter. Having an online blog as opposed to a diary helps me motivate myself to write more often, and in the future, I will be grateful I recorded these things - I'm already glad I wrote about my time in Alaska!

I will post pictures at some point too.

Until next time, adios!