Exponential insanity

Hhmph. Lets get the "what's been happening in real life" stuff out of the way before we get on to the real philosophical stuff, shall we?

Well, I'm no longer ill at least. I quarantined myself at my lovely grandparents' house where I was looked after, forced to relax and rest, and fed lots of wholesome, tasty food. I rediscovered television, which was nice in a way, but which also reminded me Christmas is coming, which is a slight worry.

As a kid I always vowed to myself I'd never not look forward to Christmas. I mean, come on Rebekah, Christmas is still awesome, just because you're desperately poor and still have to buy nice thoughtful presents for everyone, doesn't mean you shouldn't look forward to it! Okay, Christmas IS awesome, I know, I'll never become a Christmas-hater and lose my inner child forever.

Okay, now I got that inner struggle out of the way and we've established that yes, Christmas is still something to look forward to. Anyway, even if Christmas itself isn't, the break is! No more soul-destroying anthropology, no more assignment deadlines, just a whole month of beautiful non responsibility. (Apart from the whole must-find-a-job-NOW thing)

Now, real life out of the way, just out of boredom, lets delve into my mind. Imagine yourself in a desert - not a hot or cold desert, just a room-temperature desert, but a barren one which seems to stretch out to infinity, and it's night, it's dark. Now you've been walking in this dark but comfortable desert for an indefinite time, you're not even sure how long you've been here. While walking you suddenly realise you've approached a deep chasm in front of you, a break in the terrain that seems to fall away forever. You peer down and it's not frightening but beautiful, there seems to be beautiful light drawing you towards it, and you fall effortlessly inside. You fall slowly, gently tumbling like Alice in Wonderland through the rabbit hole. There are beautiful, soft lights revolving around you and you feel perfectly comfortable in this endless fall, though you don't know the destination.

You realise that although it's not painful or frightening, you're completely alone. All you can do is think, contemplate, and wonder - about anything, everything that crosses your mind. Will I ever have a place in life? Will I ever "settle down" into a comfortable situation in life, do I even want to? Is there any real purpose or objective to life, does it have any meaning? Am I stuck inside my own mind?

I'm starting to realise I'm on this journey alone. The more I realise I'm alone the more I think and think and think. There are too many questions I'm asking myself. And the worst thing is that I know that generations of philosophers have probably asked the same questions and not found anything satisfying answers.

My entire life so far has just been me slowing becoming more and more insane as I contemplate existence. I try and root my thoughts in real things which need doing, but unless I'm completely distracted, I just float back into this wormhole of thought and frustration. I'm trying to express it here, but its so difficult. I've already written and then deleted at least three whole paragraphs worth of writing, nothing seems to sum up what I'm thinking.

And that's just what I'm thinking. I haven't even mentioned how I'm feeling. If I did, we'd be here even longer, as I don't have any trouble expressing that. But this is a public blog.

Sorry for the rambling. I wish I were an amazing artist that could express it all visually, or even better, an amazing musician that could just let out everything in one fantastic and inspiring song. But alas, all I can do is write a load of bollocks.