I swear, I do try and think of good things to post on my here, something interesting or creative - but I always end up using this poor little blog as my little emergency rail, something to grab onto as I feel the ground slipping away beneath me into a chasm of crappiness and doubt. I mean, I've also tried writing in my diary (the old fashioned kind where you use a pen) to get all the moanings out of the way, so I don't have to keep spewing out emotional guff here. But, alas, it didn't work, sometimes I feel like this blog is the only way.
I'm not completely negative you know! Some cool things happen, I mean, I have my first radio show on Saturday at 10pm, which I will probably talk about some more on Saturday before I do the show. I'm a bit nervous, (even though no-one really listens) and this could either be really good or really bad, but I'm quite enthusiastic. You never know :)
Should I become a Buddhist or something? Seek enlightenment? I sometimes think I might just need a cheap way of injecting meaning into my life. I mean, Siddhattha Gotamalived on one grain of rice a day for a while before he became the Buddha, before he really got on the right track to enlightenment. I'm going to quite close to that level of starvation if I don't find a job soon, so I'm already on my way.
Some days I feel happy, some days I love the world, some days I'm almost confident and I forget my insecurities. But sometimes I just feel like the lonliest creature in the world. After a few months of pathetically trying to improve, I don't feel any better, maybe I should give up trying to change things on this level, maybe I should look beyond this plane and look for some kind of spiritual energy to put things in perspective. (Don't misinterpret this though, just because I might be thinking spiritually for five minutes, I still say 'fuck you' to most organised religion).
I was supposed to go to bed hours ago but I've had a bit of insomnia for the last couple of nights (annoying, cause I thought I was getting more sensible with my sleeping habits!) and the other night I kept getting up. I counted all the bedroom lights I could see in the part of East Slope visible from my window. I thought, those are other people like me, people that are still awake at 3am, 4am. I wonder what they're doing - writing an essay, reading, sitting there wishing they could sleep, or maybe just stuck in an internet coma. Each time I look out my window there are fewer lights. The last look, before I finally went to bed successfully, there were 10 other people awake somewhere in their East Slope rooms. I guess thats 10 out of... at least a hundred people, maybe more.
Another pointless blog post by yours truly,
Lots of (unrequited) love,
Bekah
P.S. I MUST remember to post something that's actually INTERESTING on here some day!
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