So... I've been pretty unproductive today.
Yesterday was awesme cause Lizzy came over to visit, from Chichester, and she is my second oldest friend. Our friendship was founded when we were 11, staying up late in our dorm room at a "gifted and talented" summer school at Rodean, blowing raspberries and making fart noises, and laughing our heads off all night - also featuring in a play about smugglers... I guess we've matured slightly, but not too much. I'd say we were on the gifted side of the "gifted and talented", gifted with insanity, that is.
Anyway, we spent the day in Brighton with Emma and ate exceedingly delicious fudge. Also, I bought a few guitar picks to replace the ones that got eaten by my dog at Christmas. I was looking for some funky shoelaces to jazz up some boring black trainers I've got but I didn't see any. This demonstrates my new low budget: last term, when I went into town I was buying guitars or clothes - this term I am buying guitar picks, and shoelaces...
Back to self-analysis. If I can't do it on my own blog, I can't do it anywhere. I think the reason I need friends like that is because I am something of an attention seeker. Not the show off kind, but I'm just the girl that talks all the time in seminars when everyone else is shy, I like praise and I'm one of those people who feels slightly hurt on receiving "constructive" criticism. I don't like being ignored.
I think that's why I've lost confidence recently. Back home, I was usually the centre of attention whenever I wanted to be. There are too many people here!
I'm also starting to think I'm just generally down at the moment. If I'm not upset about one thing, I'm upset about something else (although, with periods of normality and contentedness peppered inbetween). Now I've seen friends yesterday and had a good time, I should be happy. But now I'm moping about other stuff. The trouble with having these depressive episodes is that it messes with my mind, because now I don't know if things are genuinely bad or if they're just in my head. It makes me feel powerless. I feel like I can't talk about anything I'm getting upset about directly, because if IS just in my head, and it's not a real issue people will get fed up with me being insecure and think I'm all needy and over-sensitive. It's a circle of doubt and negativity and I'm stuck in my own head.
I even feel guilty about my long passages of self-reflection on here - but I guess I shouldn't this is my own blog, I'm allowed to talk about myself somewhere, right? Wht I really need is a pet to spew all my problems to! Preferably a hedgehog.
Thanks for the comments on my last post by the way, I found them really comforting and helpful. I guess I'm the kind of person that needs reassurance and a figurative shoulder to cry on sometimes.
Also, the kind of person that needs chocolate. I really, really, really, REALLY could do with a big fat bar of Galaxy or a Toblerone right now. Maybe some chocolate buttons and jaffa cakes too. But a) I can't afford those kind of luxuries and b) its 2am so the shop's closed even if I did magically find a couple of quid wedged down the back of my comfy chair/rattling around in my guitar/stuck to the ceiling. Ah, comfort food.
(Actually, talking of unrealistic desires - I do need a job at the moment, maybe I could become one of aristocratic Carolyn's fantasy house staff in exchange for Galaxy bars and Toblerone!)
I promise to make my next blog post lighthearted and happy,
Bekah
2 comments:
I'd never have thought going to uni would make you depressed. :-P We all thought you'd fit right in and forget all of us... *is secretly glad you haven't though*
You do know what this means though... I need to come down to Brighton as many Tuesdays as I can! :-P
In the mean time, make yourself a paper crown with the label "Queen of the World!" and wear it whevener you are feeling dull. :-P
I think if you are writing a blog, than openness and honesty can only be good things. Also I identify with what you have said. I remember feeling exactly the same things.
Friendships are easier whilst travelling; one is more open to them, and also being the foreigner is always attractive.
I am so sure you will find those appreciative friends. Maybe not today, but it will happen.
By the way, if you can work in my fantasy house, I will give you Jaffa cakes too. Mmmmmm my favourite.
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