My first blog post after 17 months of blogospherical silence

It's March 2011 and it seems hard to believe that my last entry was October 2009. How was it that I didn't make a single entry for the entire of 2010? Maybe I lost my vanity for a whole year. After all, that is the reason for blogs, right? The idea that I have something to say that is worth posting publicly. Otherwise we'd just keep private, offline diaries.

Well, this winter I started writing in a diary again. A real one - pen and paper. I haven't written a diary since I was about 15. It used to be about celebrity crushes, how bored I am in school, and arguments with friends. Some parts are also written in secret codes that I don't understand anymore, and I don't think I left myself a key. Now my diary has mainly been about driving lessons, how bored I am in lectures, arguments with my boyfriend, and my general worries and ambitions.

I'm still studying Philosophy. I'm still wondering why I'm studying Philosophy. I enjoy searching for meaning in life but I'm not sure if I truly enjoy reading dense academic texts. They're not written to be entertaining and while thought-provoking, they're not always inspiring. I'm scared of reading phenomenology texts or continental philosophy because it seems difficult to penetrate.

I don't know what I want to do with my future. I don't know what is even available to me. I guess I will end up working for "The Man", in some corporation or other institution.

At this precise moment in time my thought on life is this:

I feel as if I am detached from the entire universe, and it is a vast jigsaw puzzle with a seemingly infinite number of pieces. Some of the pieces are in places, in patches here and there, so it seems that there is a little bit of order.

But overall it is all so huge and there are a mind-boggling number of pieces. At the same time though, it feels like the jigsaw puzzle is at least theoretically possible to solve - all the pieces are there, but they are scrambled beyond belief.

Here I am trying to figure out what the big picture would turn out to be - and how do all the pieces fit together to form a real, meaningful image? How do I fit into it, how does everyone else fit into it: stars and planets, cups and tables, Barack Obama and my next-door neighbour, McDonalds and crisp packets, daffodils and ants?

But this is just my thought on life this evening. Tomorrow it will be something different. I have decided to write in this blog again so there will be an online record of a few of the thoughts that originate in my strange little head.